I Think I'm Gay

In his book, Love is an Orientation, Andrew Marin wrote that nearly 86 percent of gays and lesbians state that they were raised in a denominationally based Christian church from ages zero to 18.  Marin also shows that 73 percent of homosexuals leave church once they “come out”.  

When asked what would influence them to return to the church, respondents indicated the following:

• 62% - Nothing
• 18% - Patience and time
• 7% - Religious community showing a “non-judgmental environment”
• 2% - Support of family/friends
• 2% - Feeling “God’s love”
• 1% - If they were able to understand the teachings

Additional research has shown that the average age for experiences initial feelings of same-sex attraction is around 13.  What can we do with the knowledge that some of our students are discovering these feelings while they’re in our middle and high school ministries?

1. Be Okay With Tension.  Martin Luther King Jr. wrote, “I must confess that I am not afraid of the word tension. I have earnestly opposed violent tension my whole life, but there is a type of constructive, non-violent tension which is necessary for growth.”  Such tension could be something that we’re not used to dealing with in our ministries, especially when it comes to the subject of someone struggling with being gay. But we have Jesus to look toward as our greatest example of one who dealt with tension with both love and conviction. Jesus always reached out with compassion to the sinning person without validating (and sometimes not even mentioning) the sinful action. We see evidence of this in accounts such as the woman caught in adultery (John 8:3-11), the woman who was married to five men (John 4:7-30), and the tax collector who wished to get a closer look at Jesus (Luke 19:1-10). Jesus showed these people unconditional, non-condemning love in a way that made them desire know him more.

2. Authentically Listen.  The most essential part of a two-way conversation is listening — which is a problem for us youth workers, as we often tend to talk too much.  Over time I’ve learned that transformation didn’t happen in those kids regurgitating the correct responses but rather in the ones to whom I truly listened about what was going on in their lives. When we listen, we help prevent our students from hiding their problems, doubts, struggles, and questions.

3. Ask The Right Questions.  When we look at how Jesus communicated throughout the Gospels, we see that many times he was asked close-ended questions but gave open-ended responses.  In fact, he only responded to closed questions three times with straightforward answers to Pontius Pilate at the end of his ministry.  Rather, when asked for his opinion, he usually refrained from giving a direct here’s-what-my-teaching-is-and-what-you-should-be-thinking answer. He often changed the conversation by reframing the question and asking his conversation partner a question in return. In this way, Jesus walked people through the process so that there was ownership in their following because he elevated the conversation.  When it comes to talking with kids about being gay, we should have the same goal.